Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.