i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
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just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
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just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.