Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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