You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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