I just made out with a guy for $7.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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