I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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