last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
