So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
this beer tastes like vomit already
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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