That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
she woke up with a sticky ear
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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