Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
