the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
