She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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