rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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