i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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