What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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