It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
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If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
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But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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