Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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