I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Is that strawberry winking at me??
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
