good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
