I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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