Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
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