so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
