I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
