we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
