I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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