Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Randomize
