ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
