do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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