Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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