you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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