Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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