I molested 6 butterflies tonight
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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