I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
