I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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