For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
