Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
