New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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