she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I didn't notice because vodka
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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