I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
We smell like vodka and hangover
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