Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
