I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
In other news, I just burned my penis
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
