I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
