Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
