The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
