My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
