Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
