you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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