And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
