You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Randomize
