I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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