When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize