he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
