I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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