so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Houston, we have a squirter
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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