my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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